People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
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*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.