People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
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My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
The absolute effort that went into this omg
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I don’t think my car can fly
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.