People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
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Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here