People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

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GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out


My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.


*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*


Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!


Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now


[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”


I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.


singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!


I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.