People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
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[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out