People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
You Might Also Like
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Gemma Correll
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
12. I think about this all the damn time
Sing it!
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Still a very good boi….
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”