People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
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Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.