People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
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I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.