People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
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*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.