People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
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Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.