People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
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It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower