People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
You Might Also Like
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.