People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
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reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
How all things should be taught/explained.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time