People buying plungers never look happy.
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Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?