People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
When someone says you are so lazy
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?