People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
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I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Bike for sale
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Happy Friday
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends