People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
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me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.