People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
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*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.