People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
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KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”