People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
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Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Is this you?
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions