People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
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chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Dear Lord..
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
craving $300 all of a sudden
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?