People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
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Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks