People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
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I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.