People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I cannot call her anything else now
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok