People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
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Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
SPLOOT
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago