People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
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If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
This did not end as expected.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness