People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
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<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*