People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
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i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just donât have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then youâll never hear from me again
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
âHow cute. You have smile linesâ
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of SchrĂśdinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
âI donât see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?â
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Doctor: and youâre exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, itâs pretty weirdly
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british đđ
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when theyâre going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think Iâm beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
If someone at my funeral is like âhe loved everyoneâ i just want you to know, I didnât
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
If your idea of an âEpicâ deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, âI wasnât sure if it was too soon to call.â
My dad, âSon, you moved out. We didnât break up.â
BOND: The nameâs Bond. James Bond.
ME: Thatâs a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: Iâm a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now itâs your turn to hide
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.