@aveuaskew

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

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@DaddyBeerGuy

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

@PaperWash

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

@Jake_Vig

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

@MattMcElaney

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

@BCMontgo

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

@flashember

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

@UncleDuke1969

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out