People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
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Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.