people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
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Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck