people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON