People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
You Might Also Like
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
he’s doing your taxes
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.