People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
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I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me