People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
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A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?