People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
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Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
this is the greatest thing ever
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row