People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
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me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.