People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
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Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Its true…
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Breaking news:
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.