People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
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banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
The asteroid..
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update