People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
You Might Also Like
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
When does CPR become necrophilia?
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up