People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
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Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
yeah 😭
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
is this a warning or an offer?
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.