People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
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HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Bread puns are on the rise!