People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
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Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!