People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
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This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
@ candidates for local office
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…