@OlanDevine

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

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@sixfootcandy

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

@Tmoney68

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

@Vice_Queen

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

@slyoung5

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

@WritePlay

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

@AlexKaan47

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

@newLettuce

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

@ReeseButCallMeV

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

@ellle_em

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well