People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
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Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.