People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
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Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want