people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
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It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.