People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
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The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?