People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
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Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
God has left this place
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.