People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*