“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
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I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Ain’t no way