“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
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I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
me irl
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs