People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
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I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Did I do this right
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.